Crushing Drama & Staying Zen
Note: I’m writing in the first person here, using “I”; this is intentional so as not to push my “shoulds” on you. Know I’m writing for anyone who can relate, and also know, what works for me may not work for you.
In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional. - Buddha
There is a Buddhist parable which explains while we may be struck by a “first arrow”, much of the time out of our control, we can practice dispelling of the “second arrow”, our reaction.
I very much read this as it is up to myself to prevent most of my drama by practicing mindfulness and awareness around my triggers and the habitual, knee-jerk, often-subconscious reactions I have. It’s hard work, but as I become more and more in-tune with what my feelings are, why I feel the way I do, and verbalize them, I can work through them more effectively. Try not to let them permeate more than they absolutely need to. There is often feelings to be felt (from the “first arrow”) but once those pass, I can choose to let go of my reaction and not perpetuate a needless, painful cycle, and thus, prevent drama by slowing reactions.
Taking it a step further, being even more proactive, would be to practice “non-judgment” (another, shortened version, parable here). This goes beyond any external behaviors I might think I’m controlling and gets into the deep-down thoughts that plague me despite having been successful at letting shit go for a few minutes.
It is ingrained in me, in fact I take pride in being particularly in-tune with, judging situations, next steps, and context quickly and effectively. I can troubleshoot code, guess what stakeholders might be interested in as a Phase II, offer suggestions on strategic plays, and stay a step ahead of leadership with these skills. It also leads to a lot of anxiety, worry, planning-paralysis, and triggers my perfectionism schema over and over again.
Instead, what if I can re-program my brain to see things just as they are. “This happened” and not trying to guess what might come next and what it might mean?
Over the past few weeks when I notice I’m getting worked up over something, typically when I’ve taken a rest and I’m kicking myself for having not been more productive, I find myself thinking: “energy ebbs and flows; everything ebbs and flows; it’s okay to flow with the ebb.” This settles me. Instead of labeling or judging binge-watching reruns of Friends as “bad”, I’m trying to label it as “I’m doing this because it’s what I need right now”, and then letting go of the guilt and shame. It’s a practice. It goes against everything I’ve been training for and working towards for decades in the making. I get the sense it’s important, though. And worth the practice.
