The 3 Most Important Adulting Things
If I could tell my younger self to focus on just 3 things, these are the 3 things I would highlight. Every once in a while I’m asked to talk to younger people - finishing up college or just starting their career - and as I’ve discussed my background, I find myself telling them the same main themes: learn about yourself and learn to communicate with others effectively. Recently I’ve added this concept of also finding strength or empowerment. These are the things I’ve found to be the most powerful in my career and in just about every relationship I’ve had.
A Note: I am speaking in the first person here. My usual feelings are that just because something works / worked for me doesn’t mean it’s universally true. My only advice is to take or leave advice as you see fit in your life. I’m sharing my experience in the event someone can relate and it’s helpful.
Table of Contents
Background
Before I get into the meat of it all, I have some logistical notes to make:
Balance, balance, balance. It can be exhausting and draining always studying and working to better myself. I often take breaks from the traditional self-help type work. Sometimes just getting through the day is enough.
Use free resources. One of my biggest rules was to use the library for anything self-helpy first. If I read a book, feel I’ll re-read it, then I go and buy it. But out of the probably 10’s and 10’s of these books, I own ~5. The library keeps the wasted costs down and gives me permission to stop reading garbage that is not adding to my life.
No goals. I used to add every piece of advice I read or heard in one of these self-help resources to my list of things to do. It was overwhelming. I’ve been working very hard at making notes of what is interesting and worth trying, but not setting any expectations / goals around it. In fact, I’m “Going Goalless” altogether.
Self-Awareness
The way I see: self-awareness is the foundation that powers literally every relationship in my life.
(Note: hyper-self-awareness can also been a source of anxiety for me; if this is the case for you too, I recommend finding someone who can help you find a balance.)
From what I’ve experienced, self-study begets emotional intelligence. According to experts who quite-literally wrote the book: self-awareness is the first step to Emotional Intelligence. It is impossible for me to not empathize and see common anxieties and struggles in others when I also feel, and most importantly, am AWARE I feel them. I find it comical when someone complains to me about something someone else does and I find the same patterns in the person telling the story and they’re oblivious.
I’ve found it goes a little like this: I spend some time exploring a certain aspect of my day that causes me angst. I begin to understand what my triggers are, what emotes flow after said trigger, and how I physically manifest it all. Then, depending on the severity / priority, I might work on it a bit. I share with my partner. I either let it go and deal, or I better. Either way, I’m more mindful of what is going on in the situation. Then, I find it’s kind of like when you buy a new car, and suddenly you start seeing other people all over driving that same car. I start to pick up on signs of other people experiencing that same trigger-emote-physical-manifestation as me. Sometimes, depending on who it is, I might bring up my own story and see if they bite. Sometimes I just tuck it away as an interesting fact. Either way, it helps me understand the other person - through empathy, compassion, and common ground.
Where I think this is most effective in my life is with people who annoy me. What I find annoying is typically their “emote-physical-manifestation” of whatever trigger happens. If I take the time to understand myself, then when I see other people react a certain way, I can (and I do force myself to) think: “When X happens to me, I react this way, so I can understand why they’re probably feeling Y.” It softens my feelings quite substantially.
Self-awareness isn’t just about self-betterment. I really struggle with balancing “self-betterment”, “self-improvement”, and “self-help.” I find the paradox of “you are enough” in the same book / chapter / sentence as “wake up at 5a, meditate for an hour a day, workout for 2 hours, and make sure your family gets a well-balanced-gluten-free-vegan breakfast!” sentiment. I feel the need to distinguish: I can be aware and not change a damn thing. I’m trying to step away from this obsession with constantly “improving” myself. Instead, I’m shifting my focus to a more pure version of self-study. Not to “be better” but to understand more.
Communication - the Platinum Rule
These three things are ordered purposefully. First, self-awareness (which begets emotional intelligence). Then “the Platinum Rule” as it pertains to communication most specifically.
Treat others the way they wish to be treated.
Communication is paramount to expressing needs, wants, and important information. It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize just how different people communicate. Sure I learned in Psych 101 that people learn and communicate differently, but that’s all abstract. It wasn’t until I was working with and around diverse minds on a more regular basis that I got it.
In college I spent a lot of my time with other math majors / minors. In my young-adult years I was surrounded by people in my department, who were various derivations of math majors. It wasn’t until I embedded myself in a more liberal arts type major, Linguistics, that I was really amidst, and the minority in, a group of differently-minded people. I mean, up-to-this-point, I was working in methodical, analytical problem solving type work. I was literally given a starting point and told to prove my argument / final statement. I was given partial bits of information and told to fill in the blanks and “solve for X”. Then I jumped into Linguistics, where I was in a department of experts in language, history, and philosophy. It was an entirely different experience for me. Suddenly I was working in less clarity, I was using words differently, and the people around me had a completely different thought-process for solving. I have to say, this is probably what I gained most from my graduate studies.
It was a real, tangible experience of people communicating and learning in a very different way than what I was used to. It prepared me for my career in a fantastic kind of way. Being aware of how others think, what is most important to them, and what was their preferred method for consuming information (or learning), helped me get more done with less energy. It helped me conserve my resources and presented less obstacles when I needed something.
I’ve worked with people who I know just can’t respond to emails, which is my preferred method of communicating. I had a choice here: get irritated they don’t respond and take it personally, or, find a different way to get through. Some of the best advice I received from a co-worker when I was trying to communicate with another colleague, was: “they get stuck reading emails sometimes; if you need something just call them and it’ll be taken care of right away.” That was pivotal in my relationship-management and it worked. For other colleagues who don’t read emails, I realized if I found a block of free-time on their calendar, and scheduled a thirty minute call with them, my issue would be resolved much faster and with less frustration. I even had a co-worker who would see my thirty minute call, respond to my email the morning of, and then ask me to cancel the call. It was an effortless nudge for me - “Don’t want to talk to me? That’s fine - respond to my email!”
I could take all of that personally, or I could realize a few things:
People are overworked. They were overworked before the pandemic. They were overworked during the pandemic. They are overworked now. They’re not necessarily trying to ruin my career by ignoring my email. Sometimes they’re busy, less organized, trying to prioritize, and if I am not effective in my communications, providing information in the way they prefer to consume it, I’m immediately bumped down in the list. Nothing personal. Just is.
Every team has different priorities. I don’t care how much “synergy” a company touts and how many “unified goals” exist in an organization - every team and individual has their own derivation and version of granular priorities, adding to point one above. Because of this, what is important to me at a given moment is not necessarily important to another person. Being respectful of others’ priorities (and hoping others are respectful of mine) leads to more effective relationship building, which sets the foundation for greater productivity. This means bulleting timeframes, why this issue at hand is important to them (not just me!), and offering flexibility are all ways to practice respect. This might not be an immediate return (i.e. I might have to slow down the immediate project at hand), but in the long run, it’ll be better for everyone.
People remember things. They’ll remember how they felt working with me, and that is the most powerful thing in building relationships. While I struggle with people-pleasing, and don’t recommend falling into that trap, letting people feel heard, empathized with, understood, and helping come to an agreeable solution all-around, has helped me get more done in the past. I tend to keep my communications (unless they’re blatant CYA emails) casual, leaving room for feedback, brainstorming, and other ideas. I lay out options. I add “TLDR” type summaries for long, detailed issues. I use agendas to guide. All of these things to keep communications respectful: on-time, on-topic, concise, informative, achieving the task-at-hand, and non-combative. People remember these things and it adds to a positive reputation.
Learning to communicate in a way others will hear me has been crucial to my career and to my personal relationships. It requires trial and error. It requires self-study and -awareness. It’s also very much worth the effort.
Empowerment, Entitlement, & Confidence
Here’s the thing: much like it’s on me to set my own boundaries, it’s up to other people to set theirs. I was once timid - “oh I can’t do X without permission.” Meanwhile others didn’t wait for permission. Of late, I’ve been working to cut back on this - if I don’t want permission I don’t ask for it. I was pretty good at this professionally, but have had to work harder in personal relationships: “Is it okay if I do X, or eat Y, or don’t do Z?”. This is because I know if I was asked, I’d agree with the person asking, because what do I care. But it turns out, sometimes other people do care and think they have a say. In a way, I’m giving them a say. And then I get annoyed or bitter when they disagree with me, and now I’m suddenly finding myself not doing, or not eating, or doing something I didn’t want to. That’s silly. As I type it out, it’s even more silly.
So I’ve been working on stopping the ask. If I pay attention, I realize most people don’t actually ask. A lot of people start with doing, and expect boundaries to be communicated accordingly. This might look like:
Blocking my calendar with public notes, unapologetically, I might add, with things like “my normal business hours are before 6p EST” or “I’m traveling and won’t be able to take calls; email / Slack me instead.”
Telling versus asking. I can be respectful, and not ask for permission. “I can’t make X. Raincheck?” (note: no “because of blah blah blah excuse) versus “Is it okay if I don’t join?” The latter gives the other person opportunity to argue why it’s so very important I do what they want instead of doing what’s right for me.
Taking my space. I’m an adult. I’ve lived an interesting (albeit that’s my opinion) life. I know things. I have lived experiences and feelings. I am entitled to those feelings and to draw off those experiences to make decisions. If someone challenges my decisions, I often times find myself justifying or getting defensive. Over the last several years I’ve started to realize that age has little to do with wisdom. It’s my experience that we hit a certain age, and it becomes less about a number and more about exposure. I’ve been exposed to a lot. Less than many, I’m sure, but more than many as well. So when I speak from a lived experience, I have the right to speak and I can do so with confidence. If someone disagrees, it’s a chance for discourse, not a chance to be bull-dozed over.
This strength and empowerment is better for me when I find it from myself, if for no other reason than I’m always with myself. If I rely on my partner or on a friend, they could be somewhere else. I need to know I can do things, I am strong enough to do things, and I am entitled to do things, without other people there to nudge me along. This isn’t perfect. There are certainly times I lean on others. But I’ve been working hard at ensuring my default mode is internal-strength.
My hope is everyone find this. I know it’s not easy, and it ebbs and flows, much like everything else in life. I do truly wish everyone can find that activity or inspiration that helps them feel a sense of belonging and strength, whatever it is.
Last Thoughts
Adulting in general, and careers specifically, are often reliant on strong relationship building skills, regardless of relationship-type, leadership responsibilities, and industry.
Universal truths are: regardless of where I end up, 1) I need to understand myself to better understand others, 2) I need to be able to effectively and productively communicate my needs, information, and wants, and 3) I am entitled to do all of the above with confidence using my experience to draw upon.
If I could tell my younger self how to cut through the noise and optimize anything, it would be in those three areas.
