I Got No Shoulds
Note: I’m writing in the first person here, using “I”; this is intentional so as not to push my “shoulds” on you. Know I’m writing for anyone who can relate, and also know, what works for me may not work for you.
If anything is worth doing, do it with all your heart. Gautama Buddha
Letting go of my “shoulds” is two-fold:
Relax my expectations for the day, which goes against my perfectionism, but helps me lead a more peaceful life
Replacing the word “should”, literally, in my language, to really get at the root of what I do and don’t need / want to be doing
Expectation Setting
I have found that when I say "I should do X”, what I’m really thinking is “I need to do X, but I don’t want to.” As an adult, there are things that need to be done that I don’t want to do, sure, yet I do believe there is a way I can use language to help me release guilt in not doing something.
If you haven’t seen Elise Cripe’s work, I do recommend checking her out! In one section of her book she talks about “just do it” days. I don’t follow her guidelines perfectly, but I do like this concept of framing the things we don’t want to do as tasks that just need to be done. My “just do it” time looks a little different each week, but I’ve found that if I say to myself: “I need to do X, it needs to be done by this-certain-day” and carve out some “admin” time 2-3 times a month to do those things timely, it’s much less painful for me. I feel less guilt in between my admin times because I know I have carved enough time out before the “deadline” to get it done. It’s kind of like a budget, but a time budget. If you set boundaries and parameters, then you have the freedom to live between those boundaries and parameters. It’s counterintuitive, but this concept has helped me in a lot of places in my life.
I’ve been working really hard at reminding myself that I don’t want to say: “I should really update my Quickbooks”, but instead say: “Quickbooks needs to be updated and I have admin time planned for Monday, so I will add Quickbooks to the list for that day.”
I also have been working really hard at reminding myself that I don’t need to get everything done all at once. This looks like an arrow drawn on a task, indicating it’s not yet done, but I’m moving it forward. As soon as I physically draw that arrow, I make the decision to do it a different day, and I let it go. I let go of “I really should have managed my time better and gotten it done today.” I decide, release any guilt, and move on to the next task.
There are certainly days this works better than others, but from a mental health perspective, letting go of what I feel I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing has been revolutionary.
Language Matters
The last thing I’m working on, which is quite difficult, is replacing the word “should” with a healthier version. Language very much matters. The way we talk to ourselves (and to others) matters. I don’t like being told what someone things I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing, so I’ve been practicing not using that language both with myself, and with other people.
“I shouldn’t watch this much TV.” >> “I don’t want to watch this much TV.” Now all of the sudden I have shifted the language, which is incredibly powerful, from a guilt-ridden (in my mind, almost whiny) version to a version that is more empowering. I don’t actually WANT to do this, so I’m going to go do something else. Once I replace the word with a more precise version I take back control. Instead of “shouldn’t”, implying I’m getting my guidance for what I do and don’t do from some external factor, I’m taking some ownership. It’s not that I “shouldn’t” watch TV because some study or self-help guru told me watching TV is “bad” for me. It suddenly becomes something I realize I don’t want to do because I feel lethargic and low-energy if I do. Or maybe, I realize I actually DO want to watch TV, but now I can take ownership of that desire, and not feel guilty on it.
“I should go to the gym.” >> “I will go to the gym.” Same idea - instead of enveloping my mind in a guilty / whiny version of the intention to work out, I make it a decisive statement. Once I make it a statement, then my intention is clearer. I wear the doubt and procrastination away with intentions instead of weighing myself down with guilt for not following, again, some arbitrary set of rules I presumably picked up from an external force.
Lastly, I’d never say to a friend: “you should go to the gym” or “you shouldn’t watch so much TV”.
The loving-kindness meditation reminds us to be compassionate, not only with the people around us, but with ourselves. I’m sure you’ve seen the memes and things that remind us to talk to ourselves like we would a friend. Regardless of who I’m addressing, dropping “should” from my vocab, I feel, will change my relationships and my lazy Sundays, making it all more enjoyable.
